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Zombies, Vampires, Werewolves (2)

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Discussion

We discuss this case in two parts. First how prior to treatment, this boy constructed an elaborate fantasy world of the undead (and saw himself as such) that helped maintain his psychic equilibrium, but also both kept him from becoming human, and “made” him do things to humans that he at times regretted (and at times, didn’t regret), states of mind closer to pre-ruth or ruthlessness (Winnicott, 1970; Giovacchini, 2000). Second, we raise thoughts about how this boy’s developmental model of the undead may cast some light on the meaning of contemporary American interest, even preoccupation with the undead.

D.’s model speaks eloquently for itself: there are various levels of undead, he explained, from the most primitive, Zombie, to a higher level of Vampire, to the almost human, Werewolf.  His explanation of the inner dynamics and motivations of these characters can be understood in libidinal, object relational and dynamic terms (Abraham, 1925; Henderson 1976; Olesker, 2007).

Libidinally, all three subhuman undeads are in the oral aggressive mode.  Even the vampire who sucks blood (oral incorporative) must first attack with his canines (oral aggressive) (Abraham, 1925).  More so, in object relations terms, they “depend” on the living; in a perversion of the infant state, they consume the living, a stance that brings us closer to Klein’s account of infant phantasies of destroying or consuming the breast in the Paranoid-Schizoid position (Klein, 1975).  Matters become more complex dynamically and in object relational terms when we differentiate amonst the developmental hierarchy of the undead.  First, unlike the undead Zombies and Vampires – Zombies having no volition, nor concern or awareness off what they are doing; Vampires having both volition and awareness, but no remorse – D.’s almost paralyzing ritualistic symptoms showed the price he paid for living in his undead internal world.  We can understand the Zombies as being developmentally closer to the pre-ruth stage described by Winnicott (1970) of the younger infant who consumes greedily, even apparently aggressively, but without the infant having a sense of ruthlessness. Second, in contrast, the Vampire shows ruthlessness, certainly in the way that D. portrayed it. Third, ironically, even hopefully, while D. assigned (projected into the analyst) the role of Werewolf, the subhuman with remorse, to the analyst, in later sessions, D. said that each year at his birthday he became either a good or bad Werewolf, indicating that he had this internal representation (closer to human, more depressive position) and no longer projected this upon the analyst only.  Note that the Werewolf’s remorse has a quality of Klein’s concept of guilt; perhaps restoring “life” to my babies was his version of reparation at this point in treatment (Klein, 1975).

D.’s concept of being undead – overtly, apparently alive, but not – expresses his sense of being dead inside, a schizoidal quality, even as he appeared alive on the outside (Searles, 1975; Flarsheim, 1975; Giovacchini, 2000).  His account of he and his baby wearing body masks to look as if they were human, might be his way of describing a form of false self, an apparent aliveness that covers-over the core deadness (Winnicott, 1970; Giovacchini, 2000).  We do not suggest that the core deadness was a form of his true self. Rather, the manic activity and the core deadness were onion-like layers of false self protecting a vulnerable true self (Winnicott, 1970; Giovacchini, 2000). Even his overt presenting symptoms – the driven sports activities, his incessant dribbling up and down stairs until past midnight, while appearing phenomenologically to be a hypomanic defense, proved to be closer to a sense of combating the deadness within.  And his compulsive presenting behaviors, which resolved in the first six months of treatment, we might consider magical acts to protect himself (or others) from aggressive wishes and fears, including annihilation anxiety (Sandler and Joffe, 1965).  Behind all these presenting symptoms and as revealed by the Vampire/Werewolf and other play was a grim sense of terror, a feeling state at the extreme end of the anxiety spectrum (Giovacchini, 2000).

We can speculate about why this boy began this play assigning himself as the Vampire and the analyst as Werewolf

.  We have both historical developmental information as well as his affective expressions on presentation. First, we know from the parents that mother felt withdrawn after his birth, disappointed that this was not a girl and knowing she wouldn’t have further pregnancies. She describes a matter-of-fact, mechanical method of feeding and infant care, what we might consider a kind of deadness. And, when this boy presented to treatment, his facial expressions (unlike his frenetic body movements and tics) in particular were wooden, limited, tight.  Even as his play, gesture and body movement began to thaw and become more excited, at first this was with restricted facial expression. If we understand that an infant sees himself reflected in his mother’s gaze (literally, reflected in the pupils; but also emotionally in her responses), then we can wonder if this boy saw a dead or empty reflection in her face. More specifically, he may have developed a vampire introject: someone who cannot see himself reflected (in a mirror for Vampires; in the facial liveliness of others for this boy) (Flarsheim, personal communication).  But, we are only speculating here on his choice of Vampireness at the beginning. It was significant, we discussed later in treatment, that he assigned the analyst a role of the Werewolf: someone higher on the developmental axis — occasionally almost human, but given (this boy feared) to homicidal rages and subsequent remorse. This boy had to “survive” the analyst werewolf, who did not retaliate in response to the boy’s provocations.

We can couch this boy’s mental construct (undead fantasies) and his work in treatment in terms of shifting from closed to open systems (Novick and Novick, 2001, 2004).  The undead fantasy world (among other mental constructs) was a “magical omnipotent defense against helpless panic; his psychoanalytic work helped him move from a “’closed system’ hostile omnipotent to an ‘open system’ competent mode of self regulation” (Novick, personal communication). Further, in D’s case at least, omnipotence is a magical hostile defense against trauma, rather than a normal phase of development. This brings his mental construct closer to Winnicott’s (1970) distinction between delusion versus illusion.

But, this hierarchy of undead transferences has technical implications for treatment. In the more primitive position, the Zombie transference, we have a patient who feels dead within and is ravishingly hungry. I say “is,” because from D.’s perspective we cannot say the Zombie feels hungry: there is not subjective feeling. In a sense, this is different than Winnicott’s normative stance of pre-ruth of the healthy infant: the healthy infant begins to experience hunger even as it is satisfied: the Zombie must eat the living incessantly without evidence of either felt hunger, nor satiation. This is an example of Winnicott’s distinction between unintegration (the hunger-feeling infant) versus dis-integration (the unfeeling Zombie). This boy’s initial presentation – mask-faced, emotionless, even as he expressed emotion in his movements – is consistent with his experiencing himself as a Zombie. His bizarre play-house stories of a family’s non-chalant consumption of their Superbaby strengthen this picture.

The Vampire transference is more advanced and complex, for the Vampire cannot see his own reflection. The Vampire transference would include the sense that the patient did not feel himself or herself reflected in the mother’s gaze (literally, as we know that the mother’s pupils will reflect the infant.) A psychically dead mother, an unresponsive, preoccupied, perhaps depressed mother cannot reflect the liveliness of the baby.  So too, in the transference, the patient will expect no reflection and increases his provocative attacks in order to see whether there is retaliation and if the analyst can survive these attacks. Recall that the Vampire offers us eternal undeadness if we succumb to its attacks. A therapeutic stance includes not retaliating and also surviving (Winnicott, 1971).

The Werewolf for this boy was projected into the analyst, but could also represent as a transference. There is both hopefulness to the Werewolf – he feels human much of the time, but affected by the moon (like the mother’s menses, we might speculate), he is transformed against his will. And will he tries to have, unlike the Zombie or Vampire who have no volition.  Technically, with a werewolf transference, we not only need survive the attacks, but recognize the sense of remorse afterwards and the wish to become human (again).  That is, this boy’s thoughtful, developmental schema on the undead offers us technical suggestions on how to handle these in the transference. In his treatment, of course, he traversed all three levels of undead; one can have patients who present with only one of these as the prolix literature on vampires, zombies and werewolves cited above demonstrate.

D.’s pretreatment inner constellation, his compromise formation of undead, may not only be his personal attempt to resolve inner difficulties, but also contribute to understanding a societal enigma (Erikson,1968): why have we constructed these worlds of subhumans and why do we revive our preoccupation with them in certain eras such as the present.  What might we understand about contemporary society’s (and particularly contemporary youths’) burgeoning interest in the undead, as indicated by the proliferation of books and movies about Vampires, let alone the long-standing matrix of interest in Zombies and Werewolves in Western Culture (Isherwood, 2011)? That is, we can extend Erikson concept that some talented individuals may experience and (partially) resolve personal intrapsychic conflicts that they share with society in such a way that it casts light on that society, as Erikson demonstrated with Martin Luther, Ghandi and Sigmund Freud (Wallerstein and Goldberger, 1998).  We suggest that D’s unique contribution here is at least twofold. First, that the undead have a developmental hierarchy amongst each other, along axes of volition, guilt and ruthlessness.  Second, and perhaps too obviously, all undead are orally dependent upon the living: they can’t live without them (and, frighteningly for D. at least, the living can’t live with them). Minimally, we can pose questions. Does the recent rise of blood-sucking flicks speak of a sense of internal deadness in our youth, a deadness that can be temporarily slated by the thirst for living blood? Does it also reflect their sense that they are vividly, grimly dependent upon (while aggressively destructive towards) the living? Does it reflect a sense of yearning (such as D.’s) to be transformed into feeling alive?  From society’s perspective, are we experiencing our infants, our youth as consuming us, as never being able to mature into autonomous beings?

At least by posing these questions, we can listen more acutely, more sensitively to contemporary youth. In this way, we can confirm whether these feelings are present, understand what we may need to do societally, if this is true.  More importantly, we can help them devise routes to meaningfully alive inner selves that don’t depend on orally aggressive, incorporative, cannibalistic dependence on those living around them.

 

References:

Abraham, K. (1915). Letter from Karl Abraham to Sigmund Freud, March 31, 1915. The Complete Correspondence of Sigmund Freud and Karl Abraham 1907-1925, 303-306.

Karl Abraham The Influence of Oral Erotism on Character-Formation1

(1925). International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 6: 247-258

Almond, B.R. (2007). Monstrous Infants and Vampyric Mothers in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Int. J. Psycho-Anal., 88:219-235.

Anthony, E. J. (1977). Nonverbal and Verbal Systems of Communication: A Study in Complementarity. PSC 32: 307-325.

Chasseguet-Smirgel, J. (1984). Thoughts on the Concept of Reparation and the Hierarchy of Creative Acts. Int. R. Psycho-Anal., 11:399-406.

Erikson, E. (1968) Identity Youth and Crisis. Norton.

Flarsheim, A. (1975). Commentary on Searles’ “The Patient as Therapist to his Analyst.” In: P. Giovacchini. Tactics and Techniques. Vol. II Aranson.

Giovacchini, P. 2000.  The Impact of Narcissism. NJ: Aranson. p. 152-5

Green, A. (1983). Narcissisme de vie, Narcissisme de mort. Paris: Minuit.

Henderson JD (1976). Exorcism, possession, and the Dracula cult: A synopsis of object-relations psychology. Bull. Mennin. Clinic. 40: 603-28.

Isherwood, C. (2011), “Bloody, Bloody, Revival, Revival,” The New York Times, January 6, 2011, p. C1.

Klein, M. 1975 Envy and Gratitude and Other Works. London: Hogarth.

Kayton, L. 1972: The Relationship of the Vampire Legend to Schizophrenia. Pp. 303-314.. Psychoanal Q., 43:157.

Kris, E. (1956). On Some Vicissitudes of Insight in Psycho-Analysis. Int. J. Psycho-Anal., 37:445-455.

LaPlanche J. and Pontalis, J. 1973. The Language of Psychoanalysis. London: Hogarth.

Novick, J and Novick, KK (2001). Two systems of self-regulation: psychoanalytic approaches to the treatment of children and adolescents. J. Psa. Soc. Work 8: 95-122

Novick, J and Novick, KK (2004). The superego and the two-system model. Psa. Inquiry 24: 232-256.

Olesker, W. (1999). Treatment of a Boy with Atypical Ego Development. Psychoanal. St. Child, 54:25-46.

Roheim, G. (1953). Fairy Tale and Dream. Psychoanal. Study Child. 8: 394-403.

Sandler, J. and Joffe, W. G. (1965). Notes on Obsessional Manifestations in Children. Psychoanal. Study Child 20:425-438

Searles, H. (1975) The Patient as Therapist to his Analyst.   In: P. Giovacchini, Ed. Tactics and Techniques, Vol. II. NJ: Aranson p. 95-151.

Szajnberg, N. (1993). Recovery of a Repressed Traumatic Memory and Subsequent Representational Shift in an Adolescent’s Analysis.  JAPA 41:3, 711-27.

Szajnberg, N.M. (2010). Dreaming and Development: Early-, Mid-, and Late-Phase Shifts in Associative and Interpretive Processes. Psychoanal. Rev., 97:633-656.

Terr, L. (1990). Unchained Memories. NY: Basic.

Wallerstein, R. and Goldberger, L. (1998) Ideas and Identities: The Life and Work of Erik Erikson.  Madison, Ct.: IUP.

Winnicott, D. W. (1970). The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment. NY: IUP.

Winnicott, D. W. (1971). Therapeutic Consultations. NY: Basic.

Zombies, Vampires, Werewolves (1)

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Szajnberg, N.M. (2012). Zombies, Vampires, Werewolves: An Adolescent’s Developmental System for the Undead and Their Ambivalent Dependence on the Living, and Technical Implications. Psychoanal. Rev., 99:897-910.

Abstract:

While vampires haunt contemporary American pop culture, the undead have populated psychoanalytic literature from Abraham’s letter to Freud (1915) to today. PEP lists 439 psychoanalytic references to the undead (99 on Zombies; 288 on Vampires; 52 on Werewolves).  We can cite only a selection of papers focusing on clinical cases (Kayton, 1972; Szajnberg, 1993; Olesker, 1999), ethnography media and literature, (Roheim, 1953; Chasseguet-Smirgel, 1984), even breast-feeding fantasized as blood sucking, associated with primitive dynamics (Almond, 2007). We summarize the previous works’ libidinal, object relations and dynamic perspectives on various undeads.  Intriguingly, popular culture recognizes what is common to the undead: they can’t “not-live” without humans.  In the U.S., the undead have a  “rampaging presence on best-seller lists and movie and television….” (Isherwood, New York Times, 2011)

But no psychoanalytic paper has looked at the relationship of the three categories of undead both among each other and their relation to the living.  This paper presents a young adolescent’s extensive play and fantasies about the undead, and ultimately, his explanation of how zombies, vampires and werewolves are developmentally related to each other and consequently have different relationships to the living.  Prior to treatment, this boy developed a sophisticated intrapsychic model for the undead that both kept him in psychical equilibrium, yet also kept him from feeling alive.

This boy’s insights about the undead and the dead has developmental implications for handling three types of transferences.  Also, we may shed light on both contemporary preoccupation with the undead in contemporary American popular culture, and its endurance over time in Western culture.

 

While vampires haunt contemporary American pop culture, the undead have populated psychoanalytic literature from Abraham’s letter to Freud (1915) to today.  Psychoanalysts have written voluminously about not only blood-sucking vampires, but also flesh-feasting werewolves and zombies: PEP lists 439 references to the undead (99 on Zombies; 288 on Vampires; 52 on Werewolves).  We can cite only a selection of papers focusing on clinical cases (Kayton, 1972; Szajnberg, 1993; Olesker, 1999), ethnography media and literature, (Roheim, 1953; Chasseguet-Smirgel, 1984), even breast-feeding fantasized as blood sucking, associated with primitive dynamics (Almond, 2007). In fact, popular culture recognizes the undeads’ need for the living: they can’t “not-live” without humans.  As for popular culture, they have a  “rampaging presence on best-seller lists and movie and television….” (Isherwood, New York Times, 2011)

But no psychoanalytic paper has looked at the relationship of the three categories of undead both among each other and in relation to the living.  This paper benefits from a young adolescent’s extensive play and fantasies about the undead, and ultimately, his explanation of how zombies, vampires and werewolves are developmentally related to each other and consequently have different relationships to the living.  Prior to treatment, this boy developed and built an intrapsychic model for the undead that both kept him in psychical equilibrium, yet also kept him from feeling alive.

This boy’s insights about the undead and the dead has developmental implications for handling three types of transferences, and may shed light on both contemporary popularity (even preoccupation) with the undead in contemporary American popular culture, and its endurance over time in Western culture.  Paraphrasing Mark Twain on the weather: while many complain about the undead, no one is doing much about them. This boy could do something about the undead in his inner life –transform them into living — through psychoanalysis.

Case Report:

  1. was seen in psychoanalysis from twelve and half to almost sixteen years old.  His severely obsessional symptoms included having to toss and catch a pencil by its point thirteen times before he could write a single letter, which then had to be written directly on the line, or it had to be erased; paper had to be clear of smudges before writing.  (He dispatched his father for fresh reams of paper for homework.) An outstanding athlete, he had secret rituals, such as drawing sequences of numbers in the mound with his toe before pitches.  While he excelled in sports, his parents noted that he took no playful pleasure.

His symptoms became overt following an accident in which his cousin was paralyzed after a head injury. (The cousin regained some functioning over time.)  Other possible precipitants include his father’s collapse with chest pain (diagnosed as anxiety), his mother’s collapse in a tennis match and his only brother’s move to college in the months prior to presentation. D. began running almost incessantly at home (allegedly to improve his speed on the basketball court and as quarterback), pounding up and down stairways while basketball dribbling, which eventually continued beyond midnight.  He developed sleep-onset insomnia.  He erupted in startles and jerks, which precipitated his pediatric hospitalization.  Both thyrotoxicosis and pheochromocytoma were in the differential diagnosis, based on history and presentation: no medical conditions were found. Tourette’s was also considered.  All somatic symptoms resolved in the first six months of psychoanalysis.

For this paper, the central play about the undead occurred in the first eight months of work.  Initially, after a frozen beginning, in which he sat tensely, kneading his fists in the hem of his t-shirt, denying the need for treatment, he leaped from his seat across the room landing on his knees poking his head into the dollhouse, and demanding “What’s going on in here?”  He initiated elaborate play involving a Superbaby, its mother, father and siblings. The basic theme, with multiple variations over the following months, was that in an initially “normal” looking house, things get strange: father drives home, then into the second floor window and parks the car in the bedroom. Mother is cooking dinner and sends father fishing, which he does in the toilet.  Superbaby comes to life to save the family, or repair matters. In the end, mother prepares an elaborate meal: then, she serves Superbaby as the main dish in the center of the table. Superbaby would come back to life and the “play” would start over, feeling at times, numbingly never ending, as Terr shows in the traumatized children of Chowchilla (Terr, 1994).  The analyst’s major tasks were to articulate the mimed play and to wonder what was going on or why something happened.  D. resisted attempts to relate this to any sense that he felt he needed to be “super” to save his family and that, even though super, he was vulnerable.

Vampire, werewolf, zombie play was next.  In contrast to the dollhouse play, where D. silently played-out the scenes and permitted the analyst to comment from what Anthony called the sessile position  (Anthony, 1977), now, D. involved the analyst more actively.  D. told the analyst that he and his stuffed animals were werewolves; D. was a vampire and D. adopted the analyst’s baby (girl) doll as his vampire child. D. laid out the plot line.  He directed the analyst when to stand, how to throw (Nerf) bombs at the babies, when to sit in this chair and suffer bombardment by D. vampire or vampire baby.  The play had a driven, repetitive quality, but developed over months.  Initially, D. would throw the Nerf ball at the analyst/werewolf to kill him and insist that the analyst retaliate with the Nerf ball to kill the D./vampire.  D. aimed for the analyst’s head and face.  Should one of us succeed in blowing up the other, D. pointed out that as undeads, we would come back to “life” in order to battle again.  Then, he added the analyst’s stuffed animals and dolls into the play. The animals were the analyst’s werewolf babies; D. adopted one baby doll, removing all her clothes, to be his Vampire baby.  Now, our aim was to kill each other’s babies.  His baby, he explained wore a body mask so that it looked as if it were human.  He held his baby aloft, taunting the analyst to shoot. If the analyst did not aim well, D. became enraged, bombarding the analyst and his werewolf babies with Nerf bombs and insisting that the analyst aim better.  Much of this was done with little facial emotional expression in D.; his face was deadened, mask-like.  Then, the game evolved. D. or his baby would kidnap one of the analyst’s werewolf children and hold it aloft. D. commanded the analyst to bomb his child, or D. would slowly and painfully kill it by strangulation, suffocation or torture.  If the analyst hesitated or begged to let his baby live, D. and his vampire baby would crush the analyst’s baby with a look of cold glee, or a smirk and twirling his imaginary moustache, like Snidely Whiplash.  If the analyst insisted he couldn’t throw the ball, D. sent a “force” into the analyst that D. said would make the analyst shoot the bomb.  If misaimed, D. insisted he keep trying.  If the analyst shot the bomb (and D. aided poor aim by moving the baby into the bomb’s path), and killed the baby, the analyst expressed remorse, regret, sadness. When the analyst said that he didn’t want to do it, that the force put into him by D. “made him do it,” D. responded dismissively, even with a look of contempt, “You pulled the trigger.”  D. listened to interpretive attempts such as that the analyst felt how D. might have felt at times: forced to do something uncontrollably destructive towards someone he loved; feeling regret, remorse and guilt afterwards.  D. now tolerated such comments, then insisted on resuming play.  Confirmation came in the aforementioned shifts in play, including D.’s face becoming alive with emotional expression.

It was only months later that the analyst could ask D. about the vampire and werewolf that D. gave the following discourse over several weeks.  He explained that zombies, vampires and werewolves were related but different. They shared three characteristics. 1. None could be killed. 2. All depended on eating humans in order to stay “alive.” 3. None could ever become human.

How did they differ?  Zombies were the lowest form of the undead: they had no will, were almost robotic (he demonstrated mechanical, frozen jointed, masked-face walk) and had no feelings about eating humans.  Vampires were a higher form. They had the will do what they did; they drank blood to sustain themselves, but also gave the (ambivalently) desired “gift” of undeadness to their victims. Vampires too had no remorse over killing people.  Werewolves were the highest form of undead.  They appeared human for most of the month.  Only at the full moon did they turn into wolves, then lose control and eat humans.  And, Werewolves felt terrible remorse the next day, after the fact, perhaps a form of après coup.  Further, they often “knew” what they had done only by a memory or seeing the evidence of blood or shredded clothes on themselves. They suffered the entire month anticipating what they would do so wrong.  That is, temporally, werewolves felt past remorse and future anxiety.

As treatment progressed, D. now took on the analyst’s role of werewolf. He explained that his baby (or he) became a good or bad werewolf on their birthdays. But, he could never predict whether he would be good or bad for the coming year. Further, he explained that his zombie or werewolf didn’t piss or shit: it ate and spit out whatever was disgusting. It had no anus or penis to evacuate itself.  That is, his self-representation of babyhood had but one erogenous zone, a more primitive state (Winnicott, 1971).

D.’s treatment continued with greater symbolic representation over the next few years (Szajnberg, 1993) shifting to drawing, dreaming, recounting movies and books and even singing pop songs, such as “Cupid, draw out your bow/and make your arrow flow/straight to my lover’s heart if you please”.  While a full account of his treatment goes beyond the needs of this paper, some samples of his dreams suggest his intrapsychic shifts.

His dreams restructured over the course of treatment from grimness and passivity in the face of death, to escaping alone, to buddying-up to escape mayhem (Szajnberg, 2010). In his first dream (session #13), he was in an amusement park with friends.  A murderer pursues them. D. runs into a house alone for safety, but the murderer is hiding behind the door. He grabs D. and tries to put him on a lumber saw, head-first.  D. runs away.

His only association was to a “blind-eyed” ostrich that could still run; while blind, its legs still worked to get away from danger.

Towards the end of the first year, he dreamt of seeing a dead woman in a park with wet leaves over her, covering her.  He hears the words, “Esse, Esse”.

He goes home and finds the dead woman in the bath tub. He awakens. This dream he found quietly terrifying and wanted to know how to forget it.  He wanted to dump the dream in my office and leave it there.  The “Esse, Esse,” German for “eat, eat” occurred during his Vampire/Werewolf play, consistent with the oral aggressive and cannibalistic quality of the play, but with a reversal: in this dream, a voice tells the living D. to eat a dead corpse (placing him closer to a Zombie, in his view). This captures the grimness of this boy’s psychic structure built over the years prior to treatment.  We can understand this dream in terms of Green’s dead mother,

of course, but as we will see in the next phase, the maternal transference was also murderous: the undead, after all, are cannibalistic killers.

One pivotal piece of work occurred in the eighteenth month of treatment.  Just prior to the following key session, he had spent several months talking about how the praying mantis mother eats the head of the father after he impregnates her and playing “Black Widow.”  Outside session, he rode a Black Widow roller coaster in a counterphobic manner.  He then spent weeks weaving webs in the analyst’s office, unrolling yards upon yards of Scotch tape: beginning from the door knob, the tape wound throughout the room, finally encasing the analyst in his chair, while D. demonstrated how he as the spider could maneuver around the room without getting stuck by the web, but moving closer and closer to the analyst.

Then, he recalled the following in a quiet manner in the office.  His mother tried to strangle him on his seventh birthday when his parents had a brief separation. (This account was confirmed both by mother and later by father, whom the boy telephoned after escaping his mother’s grasp. When his older brother heard of the episode, he responded dismissively, “Oh, yeah, she did that to me once.”)  That is, the cannibalistic praying mantis, or murderous black widow not only destroys the father, but also tries to choke the son.

After discussing this over several weeks, he further elaborated play, including references to movies such as “Indiana Jones.”  According to D., Indiana could not see how much the boy cared for him, since Indy was preoccupied with the “blond bombshell’s boobs” (not just the antidote lying between them).  His play and work become much more representational and symbolic, such as demonstrating while the analyst stood still, how he had seen the Rockettes dance so closely to around other, without touching and smiling at each other all the time.

In his third year of work, he dreamt the following, which gives a sense of how his inner structures had developed.  He is fighting in Viet Nam and successfully escapes running through a land mine field, jeopardizing his legs. He and a friend swim a river, then must scale a wall to escape. D. climbs successfully; his friend has trouble. A helicopter pursues them, shoots missiles, but misses.  The two now are safely on the other side of the wall and meet twins who become their girlfriends. All four enter an elevator that goes down to the future.  They arrive safely in the year 2000. (The treatment took place in the late 1980’s).

We talked about finding someone in his dream with whom he can escape and “helping” his friend escape. (In the dream, the friend has trouble scaling the wall; yet, he dreams the friend and he both on the other side of the wall.)  We talked of how neat it would be to have twin girl friends. He could accept an interpretation that while the past was scary and dangerous, he sees himself in a future that is safer and with friends, even a girl friend.  For D., this was a way in which he could save his father from suicidal depression and find girls for both of them.  (The suicidal depression was confirmed in the third year, when the father met with the analyst for a referral to analysis: father presented an elaborate plan to kill himself in a clever manner, so that his son could still get the life insurance.)  We can understand the “down” to the future as a form of his regressing in treatment in order to have a better future (Kris, 1956).

Galilee

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Aliyah 3-15-06: Galilee

We — a bus troop of Hebrew-learners — hit the road to the upper and lower Galilee, in opposite order. A week ago Wed, off with the Ulpan, rising at 530 to get to Ulpan bus by 7 am. There is a quality of herding cats in such groups, with people meandering off and occasionally back. One girl from Switzerland insists that we stop the bus mid road, as her friend has just arrived at the Ulpan, which we left some ten minutes earlier: she’s only three minutes away, she insists. And we stop.  Then, Miss Swiss exits the bus, one leg on, one leg off, assuring that we cannot leave;  we learn that her friend is still on the highway, being driven by someone, who doesn’t’ know Netanya, so can’t find us. About ten minutes later, some reason prevails, and Opher — our Yemenite guide-song leader-accordianist-pianist-overall core of patience — negotiates Swissy back on the bus, with assurances that it is easier for her friend’s driver to find us downtown Netanya (where another group has been patiently waiting for our now-late arrival). This was a bit like reverse-hostage negotiation: Opher trying to convince Miss Swiss on-board so that we can be held in thrall en route, rather than mis-en-scene. When Swissy’s friend boards, both of them have a mad-on for our not waiting mid-road, rather than going into town. They’re steamed for a few hours.

Something curative of the above upon entering “god’s vineyard” — Carmel. We put Zikhron Yaakov on our right and Haifa north and behind us as we descend into god-will-sow valley, the Jezreel. “To sow,” the word in Hebrew, shares a root with the word, “arm,” connecting us bodily with the limb used to broadcast seeds, signs of hope, of future. This is a very “bodied” land, Israel, also one with sudden, even stark shifts of weather, and we are edging into the season of hope, of spring. Our guide, Sara, points out that this is the best time to see the flowers in the Galilee, before the summer heat wilts them. Life buds, even blossoms here, sometimes in hidden corners, such as the forests we will visit, in spite of the acrimony surrounding. Freud, after receiving Stefan Zweig’s enthusiastic book about Israel, thanked him, and remarked eliptically, that this is a strange land, from which little art or science has emerged, but only three illusions. (And of such illusions, Freud saw little future.) Freud finishes, it should be studied more.

So, let us study. We are on a geological and geographic trip today, getting the feel of this upper and lower Galilee. There may be several origins for the word “gallil,” wave, but the one I seem best to absorb is that the word captures the rolling waves of hills and valleys. At one point, “galllil’ itself was the word for “territory.” Flavius Josephus, that
remarkable turncoat who once was a Jewish general in this area, until caught by the Romans and saved his life by joining their forces. He revealed Jewish hide outs and such, writing a brilliant account of the Roman slaughter and conquest of the Jews, including the last days of Masada. To him we should have some gratitude. Perhaps. He writes
extensively about the geography of this turf, a major route connecting Egypt and Damascus. His twenty-century-old book passage can serve as a tour guide.
Or, we can turn to our faces. Trace from your neck upwards, and you have the gallil. Start from your big toe (standing en pointe, one jambe resting on the other’s thigh), one arm eleve, finger pointing upwards, and you have the whole of Israel. Start with your belly button, to find Jerusalem. The toe is Eilat.  (Beersheva is that depression in between found on females.) The mounds of two mountain ranges north of Jerusalem are better found on women. The neck is god’s sowing valley, the Jezreel. Then to the face: the Jordan river defining our left ear, the Mediterranean our right. The chin is the range extending east from Mt. Carmel, then a valley, followed by lower lip Tuan, the parsing of lips of Netufa Valley, the upper lip of Yotfat, a valley leading to the nose of Mt. Meiron, with Tzfat sitting astride our left
nares. When I look at the map and compare with my body map, it looks a bit lopsided, leaning a bit to the left. But there is a lopsided quality to this land.
While we are to feel the geography, the history is too tempting for Sara and us as we run through along the neck of Jezreel. With Carmel to the left, she recalls the story of Elijah and the 450 prophets of Ba’al, which begins on the mountainside, and ends in a bloody path to the Kishon River. (“River” is a relative term in this land of dry.) I do not know my prophets well enough and she obliges. After three years of no rain, none, the prophets of Ba’al challenge Elijah to a god-duel atop the mountain. They announce that they will pray mightily, then a flash of fire will descend to their altar and rain will follow. They play Ba’al, step up to the plate and whiff out. Elijah, feeling his oats, apparently, suggests that they pray a bit more, another turn at bat. They oblige. They are pitched to three strikes again. Then Elijah steps to the plate, lofts his ash wood, glints at the mound and gives a wink. (I added the wink.) First nada, nichts, rien. Then, a small cloud appears in the West, from the Mediterranean. A cloud the size of a palm. Then a flash of fire and drenching rain. Grand slam! The Ba’al players proclaim their belief in Elohim, changing sides mid-game, and begin running to home plate, which is down hill and towards the Kishon. The spectators of the Jewish team, have nothing to do with this change of heart, and wipe out the Ba’al team en route. None make it home. Game called because of rain.
 The drive across the bridge of the Kishon is a hiccup. Hiccup and you can miss it. But somewhere around here occurred also the story of Deborah, the judge and Barak (lightening) her general. Told to take on Sisra and his attacking marauders, who “visited” periodically, generally around harvest to rob, pillage, kill (the usual suspects), Barak responds to Deborah, “O.K., but only if you are there.” She says, “Cool, but then everyone will think it is a victory of a woman.” He takes this in stride, it seems. Deborah figures that after the rains the night before, Sisra’s charioteers will be more vulnerable in the muddy plains. She is right; they get stuck; Barak comes in for the kills and Sisra escapes. He finds refuge in Yael’s tent and is thirsty. She serves him milk and he nods off. She drives aspike through his temple. Tough chicks seemed bred around here.
 I’ll breeze through the rest for now. We keep ascending. We crest above the Netufa valley and see the huge water transportation system that Ben Gurion insisted would be built to irrigate the Negev. Coming from the Kinneret, it runs above ground, empties into some artificial lakes in the Jezreel valley, where the water is freshened, then heads below ground to somewhere around Petach Tikva, then to the desert. We stand on a crest looking on the patchwork of deeply green-hued small farm plots in the Netuafa valley. If I recall correctly, these Arab farms were once Moslem and Christian. A few years back, the Moslems slaughtered the Christians. There you have it. The farms are divided among brothers as fathers die, so the plots get smaller. Looks beautiful from a distance. The water channels from the Kinneret decorates one side of the valley, like a string of sapphires.
 By afternoon, we are ascending the Meiron. We are to visit the graves of some millenia-old pre-rabbis, an adoptive father who raised his orphan son. I don’t recall names, but they often disagreed about religious interpretation, but they lie eternally together. Somewhere near here, the gemarrah was signed. We have been a mobile nation, carrying our stories, our laws, and our debates with us. Light travelers, with heavy matters.
We descend a mountain side and Sara helps us discover the flowers, tiny, as is this country. There are two species of oaks here, but “oak” does not capture the modest size of most of these trees. They are a few steps up from bonsai and nothing like in the US. Much deforestation was done by the Turks during W.W.I to get rails for their army. One area is spared, which was populated by Germans (not Jews), who did careful harvesting to satisfy the Turks, but retain the forest.
Tulips. The Crusaders brought the tulip from Israel to Europe, so I am told by Sara. I hadn’t realized how much the Dutch were indebted to Israel. But the tulips here are also diminutive, relatively speaking. Slipper orchids. Kaloniot — the flower of red petals and a collar of white, made into a lovely, yearning song by Shoshana Damari, who died recently.
 We visit Biriya, a site of resistance against the British; the only settlement to be completely evacuated by the British. Then the surrounding Jews ascended to protest the removal. This was a colony of religious Zionists. We look at photos with the guide, who names young men and woman, many in their teens, who later continue to contribute to the State. Some are still living.
 I will return to this again, this trip over rolling waves of the Gallil.

In the Persimmon Orchards

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Feb. 17, 2006 Leg Hopper in the Persimmons

Something about working in the persimmon orchards gets the writing into me.

Today, despite a partially severed Achilles tendon, after ice pack, much anti inflammatories and Linus Pauling dosages of Vitamin C, I am off. The bus is beaten by my favorite, the Sheirut Monit. (Pronounced as in the Old West term for stogies, Cheroot). I hop on (hopping being a current mode of travel on my left foot) and sans newspaper, sans reading glasses, sans full wakefulness, daydream the route to the kibbutz. The woman just in front of this 10-seater van is making herself up. I wonder of this, as I see her wedding ring.  She is meticulous, mirror balanced on two fingers, works with concentration. She needs little beauty help, with her slightly olive-green tint of skin, but — as woman have wont — does look more beautiful after her “do.”

Moshek, kibbutz agricultural manager, is always enthusiastic when I call on arrival. I read the word “karkar” on the Glil Yam welcome sign — it is an archaic term for “founded.” I also glance at the signs pointing to various companies leasing space from the kibbutz — DHL is here, as is some high-techy place. Then there is the “biton,” which I later learn is the kibbutz’s own cement factory; this kibbutz and these kibbutzniks have very fundamentally built this country and in ways not deeply appreciated today. Moshek arrives in one of his dust-crusted diesel-powered trucklets. His handshake, this 68 year-old, rail-thin former Navy Seal, a man whose abdomen is noticeably hollow beneath his work shirt, is bone-hardened, firm. We’re off. I mean to ask him something about energy collaboration with the Swedish government, but these matters evaporate from my head this early in the a.m. and in the face of his greeting: the last of the Zionists, he calls me. But, I tell him there are more of us. He likes, “us.” We join the two Thai workers — Shay is out ill, Moshek says. (Tomkap later tells me that Shay has sore muscles, not from work, but from weightlifting.)

I come with an unspoken sense of guilt that when I was here last, just before my sojourn in the States, and upon my list picking of avocados, the Fuerte species, I mistakenly pulled many off their branches, and cut others leaving stem intact. I learned after I was done, that those I picked — sans stems — cannot be graded for export, are doomed for the local shuk. As I left, I glanced at the crate of stemless Fuertes, which like Samson, once shorn were of secondary strength, and felt remorse. I am determined today to be a better worker.
We tree trim today. I see how doing agriculture brings you closer to the seasons, brings me. How much I need prepare for that penultimate moment –picking in September — before that ultimate moment — the last temptation of eyes at Gristedes or Whole Foods, before you taste.
So, we trim. I am more cautions here with my gimp leg. The rains in the last few days have created gullies in some of the old tractor tracks. These take to mind the gullied ponds that MC. Escher drew, which reflected back the trees, the clouds and within which he planted a carp; after a bit, you realize you are seeing the reflections and are looking at a gully which somehow has been filled with a carp, or some such fish with barbs.
But I will not be distracted by such mind wanderings. I am a cutter today, a trimmer, a man who will shape trees to bring light unto their lower branches. We bypass Shin, who is working the chain saw, and join Tomkap with long-handled pruners, as I am so armed. Moshek takes a moment longer to show me the principles: if more than three branches off a node, I must trim; if branches are too crowded (jeopardizing unborn fruit which will later bump and grind each other, defect their brethren), I must thin. I am to follow Tomkap. This is fine with me, although I notice after Moshek leaves, that Tomkap has a much coarser style of pruning, more akin to slash and burn agriculture. The two Thai workers as usual are masked with T-shirts. I watch, after their snacks, how they don these. It seems to
be a finer form of cotton, dark, with the face peeking through the neck hole; the short-sleeve arms are then tied in a double knot behind the cranium, about the skull’s crest. The eyes and nose are revealed. On top, a hat is perched.
But before Moshek leaves, he notices that I “Mitlabet,” am indecisive. He encourages  decisiveness.
I find myself thinking of Steiner, the founder of Theosophy, speculating with perhaps a touch of envy, on how plants have the better of us: they concentrate on growing, while we busy ourselves with other matters, such as consciousness, love, work and such. This tree is interested in simply branching out, getting its sap moving after winter’s sluggishness, popping fruit and getting such popped fruit propagating more trees.
Also, as I trim, I cinch up my decisiveness by remembering that an error her, an over-trimming there, is correctable for the most part by these trees. (We have 8,000 to trim, I remind myself as I find my mind-meanderings interfering with my prunings.) If we could only be a bit more treelike: prune off those parts that sap our energies (these “sappers” that come off the trunk and will not bear fruit); lop off extraneous branches that unbalance our symmetries (and interfere with the tractor); eliminate cross-branches that crowd out each other, diminish the fruitfulness of the overall tree. If only we could do such prunings in an unpainful manner, knowing that our overall growth will bear more fruit. And if an error be made, so be it; starfish-like we could pop out another branch.
But we are not so treelike. Our souls would not bear the lopping Imeet out to these persimmon trees, very distant cousins.
The sun is firm. Even at 8 a.m., I remember how Moshek taught me to have my back to the sun as I was persimmon selecting, so as not to be eye-worn. So too, I learn to get my back up-sun so I can see better where my next victims are, so I can see better the overall crown of the tree. I should, after a good pruning, be able to look up through the tree crown and see an unobscured arbor, without much shading by the limbs, without limbs crossing each other, without much “Tz’fi’fut,” crowding. No tenements here. Trees to bear fine fruit will not tolerate tenements.
But my lopping style is more conservative than Topkat’s, I mean Tomkap’s. (I slip to Topkat, thinking of the giant Chinaman in the James Bond movie, who tries to decaptitate Bond with a cast of his knife-edged Bowler.) He goes for the limb, goes at the origins, trims the sappers off the trunks. I start from the outer reaches and work inwards. At times, I find I have handsomely trimmed a few branchlets, only to find that Tomkap has preceded me and the limb has already been severed and is simply resting against another, has not fallen.  I learn to check for severed limbs first.
 By 1100, the sun, once too warm for my Land’s End yellow jacket, is now hidden by clouds, a few drops fall, we wait for Moshek to go to the next orchard. As we wait, Tomkap takes a tiredeness; slips into one of the large, square receptacles, once filled with persimmons or avocados, pulls his sweat shirt hood over, and promptly naps. Clouds gather threateningly, I pace, stretch my Achilles and we wait. But my Achilles, that tendon that made vulnerable this Greek hero, is wearing me down from my conquests.
I head back with Moshek. I remember to talk with him about my idea with Kamella, who works at the Swedish embassy and is in my class, about biofuels. Moshek, as if primed, takes off with three types of plants that produce much oil. The macadamia nut is 97% oil; ladies won’t eat it anymore, even though Moshek thinks it tastes wonderful. He is surprised that it is so expensive in Hawaii. Hawaii and New Caledonia (or some such Pacific isle) have taken over the remaining market of ladies who don’t give a damn about oils. He, Moshek is left with an orchard of fatty nuts. Also something called Haria, which is faster to grow. We plan, even scheme. I am energized. He unloads me with a few pounds of avocados. And I hop, one-legged mostly, onto a Sheirut home.

The DMV and Dante

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Holon, Israel, 2006

Today is was a bully. I mean, Bully. I entered the Holon Division of Motor Vehicles, after the hour or so bus ride from Ra’anana, and was transformed some dozen minutes later. Like the Hulk, bursting fissures through his skin.

In Judy Garland’s Wizard of Oz, when the film switches from Kansas to Oz , it changes from black-and-white to color, the first use of color in a Hollywood film, I believe. Here, I went reverse: from color to black-and-white. And as in the film, Roger Rabbit, three-dimensional creatures turned into two-dimensional cartoons (who then pop-out 3-D eyes; here too, 3-D became 2-D. I may have become two-dimensional also, I just couldn’t see myself too well; I felt a bit, well, flat.  But enough film-ishness. On to the tale of my transformation.

Here’s the deal. The DMV (I will call it) is open Sunday through Thursday, but will only change American licenses to Israeli permits on Mon. and Wed. This, I am later told, was publicized in newspapers (in Hebrew), Radio (ibid.) and even internet (op. cit.).

But, I left Raanana with robust intentions. I was forewarned by fellow student, Miriam, that the Holon place is a place of snakey lines, Hebrew only, and being told to go from the front of one line to the end of another, and then again. I had girded my loins with a visit to the MEMSI (pre-license) office in Ra’anana: got an official-looking light green form with my photo in one corner, filled out by an optometrist after an exam (40 shekels), then by a physician, then I completed it with questions that I mostly understood. Brought all my other documents: US license, US passport, Israeli I.D., Israeli Oleh card, and a blank check. Hopped the bus to TA at 800 ( a bit on the late side, I was forewarned), into TA central bus station by 9, through security, only to learn that I had to exit the building to get the Holon bus. (Holon means something like “sand-edness”, as does in Arabic, Ramleh). In Holon, the driver tells four of us to alight at a busy intersection, in an area that was in transition from rural to semi-industrial. I gather that the DMV is nearby, as I see student drivers with a big “L” (for learner) magnetized to the top of their car, perched anxiously over the steering wheel, a bit praying-mantis-like, crawling in the right lanes of traffic, while their examiner sat next to them.  Their examiners are too busy talking on their cell phones to notice anxiety.

But where’s the building, I ask as I alight, one foot still on the bus? The bus driver tosses his head back and to the right. I see nothing, but follow my co-miserables. One says to me, the driver couldn’t deposit us over there? He points to a bus stop on the other side of a busy road, and only five minutes walk from the building. I joke, that he looked at us and thought we needed exercise. My jokiness doesn’t sustain itself.

We pass through the usual gun and metal detectors and are swept by the wand for weapons, as well as a pat down in the small of the back. After today’s experience, I gather that security should not be concerned about Palestinian bombers/shooters, but Israelis who know what they will soon endure.

Short and sweet, I get the run-around. The lady at the information desk tells me return Mon. or Wed. and tries to hand me a long sheet in Hebrew telling me what she had said. I have learned now, not to even try Hebrew; to act dumbly American monolingual. I ask to speak to the manager. She acts now, as if she has lost her English comprehension. Finally says that the manager’s name is “Lital,” then changes to “Atal.” (Names are changed to protect the guilty, I gathered.) She tells me to go around the corner. There, hidden in another corner is a door. It is cracked open as the woman, Lital/Atal, is talking to a man, telling him in Hebrew, “Take a hike.” As I step forward, she slams, then locks the door. I am brought to mind of speak-easies, and am thinking of some code-knock that will get her to look through the peephole. She opens promptly, however, hears my American, and gives me the quick brush off: Mon. or Wed.  I explain that we have one day off monthly from Ulpan and it is Sunday. (I don’t tell her of my gimpy leg.) She persists; I persist. She tells me she’ll meet me around the corner. I hesitate, figuring this is a feint.  And I am right.

Around the corner, Lital/Atal has evaporated. But, as in Roger Rabbit, my detecting skills persist and I see her scurry through another locked door. She stops when I call, “Lital/Atal!”  Says she is late, late to a meeting.   Now, I like Alice, ask this white rabbit to see the Queen of managers. She says it is Ital who is out right now. (I later learn, she is “out” at the meeting that Atal is trying to get to.) Atal does another feint to the first clerk; says she will tell me the name of the Real Manager.

No doing, Tal (the first lady) says. There is no other manager; doesn’t know what I am talking about; I must have heard Atal wrong; only Ital, who is ….. out. An older man comes up, bushy mustached, pulls aside his plaid shirt to flash a name tag; says he’s a driving instructor here.  Walks me over to the locked door through which Atal disappeared; tells me to wait there.

Whereupon, “Alice,” another clerk with a upper Midwest US accent approaches me. Says that Atal is gone; won’t be back; Ital is out.  I have to come back Mon. or Wed.  I said I just saw Atal walk through that door and I will just wait here.  No, Alice insists. She is of impressive bulk, of the kind that the airliners have invented “seat-belt extenders” so that they can get the belt around them, of
the kind who the airline put in the three-seats-across aisle, then do not book the middle seat (if you are fortunate). She uses this bulk to good stead. She stands out in this flat cartoon universe. Tells me I can wait for Atal out there, in the general waiting area, a place akin to purgatory, with forlorn looking souls, bent-necked, waiting with waning hope.  As in those in Dante’s purgatory, they have
committed no crime, just born at the wrong time or place and hope for the kindness of strangers.

I am transformed. I, Bullius  won’t move. Alice ups the ante, tosses some of her higher cards on the poker table. I can’t stay there. I must go out.  She will call the cops. I tell her, quietly, that I want to speak to the Manager. And here, she tips her one big card so I get a peek: she tells me the name of the Real Manager. He is upstairs. I go upstairs. A locked door again. Again, a woman is talking to some said plainants through the door slightly ajar. She tells me to wait out in the hallway. Half an hour and the Manager will be out of his meeting.

I have brief interlude during which I talk by cell phone with Myron, my Virgil in this Inferno or is it Purgatory. He wonders how this will turn out. Not so bad, after all.

Someone comes twenty minutes later, buzzes the door and …. is buzzed in. I now figure that I may try this maneuver. I am buzzed in. There is another ante room, with a secretary’s desk, but no secretary. There are small offices, in which two woman work, while talking on their cell phones; people come and go, not talking of Michelangelo, nor any other such art. Perhaps forty minutes later, a pleasant, self-assured fellow walks out, as if ready to leave with a woman soldier next to him. He pauses at the exit. Asks the pelephone-chatting women, “Who is this man waiting for?”
“You,” in one-word chorus.
He apologizes that he is stepping out to say goodbye to the soldier; will be right back.

And he does return. I tell him I need help. Show him my forms, tell my tale. He takes me about the shoulder, says, “Let’s go downstairs, see what we can do.”

I see him huddled next to Alice downstairs. He speaks with a smile, arm around her shoulder. She is petulant, bumps him with her ample rear.  Twice.  Makes a motion to him that he should plant a kiss there.  He does no such thing, but implores further, steps out to reassure me she will help me. Invites me to sit and notices crumpled trash on the seat; removes it, with an apology and ascends. Alice is unhappy. After a feint, as if she is too busy, she removes the “closed” sign over a window and motions me over.

I surreptitiously time this. Slightly under 2.5 minutes, she has glanced at my US license, Oleh certificate and signed my provisional Israeli license. Tells me to go outside to the post office to Xerox a copy of my US license. I hesitate, not wanting to lose my contact with her as we are about to consummate the deal. Think for a moment to slip up to Manager’s office to Xerox there; think better, slip out to the PO, which is inside the security perimeter (no bag checks), make two copies and hustle back. She tacks on the copy and dismisses me. I thank her. She ignores me.

Shortly after leaving the building, the retransformation happens. I see color again; I feel myself in three-dimensions. Almost feel a “pop,” as I am reinflated.  Remarkable.  Like the Purple Rose of Cairo, I am transformed from the flat screen to 3-D life.  I rather like all three dimensions.

In Dante’s last circle of Hell, the sinners are cursed to stand at the foot of Satan; their tears flow and freeze on their faces; their bodies are encased up to the neck in a block of iced tears. Had Dante known about the DMV, he would not have to have been so imaginative.  Just wander this lobby of lost souls, peopled by more lost souls on the other side of the counter. And briefly, occasionally, a decent fellow descends and acts humanely.

Now, to pass the driver’s test.

Out of Berkeley

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A Good-bye to Berkeley

Days of Memory and Independence

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May 1 2006: Yom Ha Zikaron/Atzma’ut

“Where is he wounded?
You don’t know if the aim is a place on his body
or a place on this Land.
A bullet sometimes passes through
the man’s body and wounds
his Land’s earth.”
—- Yehuda Amichai
A Jewish way to “celebrate” Independence: start with a day of mourning. Jewish holidays start with darkness, start the night before, to remind us that “in the beginning was darkness and waste.” But Independence Day here in HaAretz, “the Land,” starts with a double darkness:  the darkness of the night before, and the darker entire night and day before to remember all those fallen since the State’s founding.
I was encouraged, or perhaps warned unintentionally, not to miss the Yom Ha Zikaron (Day of Memory) ceremony in Ra’anana. Tel Aviv’s is more impressive perhaps: in Rabin Square every major singer, artist, alights the stage, sings one song and leaves. There is respect for the day: no protest speeches, no signs waving. But, little Ra’anana a town of some 60, 000, fills its Yad Le Banim square (Hand/Memory of the Sons’) with some 15, 000. On television, starting at 8 p.m. and for the next twenty-four hours precisely, runs the name of every person killed in the State.
I was still in the U.S. I had been asked to stay a few days longer to work as an expert witness for the Court. I said, “Impossible.” I did not say, “I won’t miss my first Independence Day, as I had missed my first elections.” I just said, impossible, and the Court backed down, worked out a schedule so that I could finish work late last week.

For me, Independence Day is the most important Jewish Holiday: holier than Yom Kippur, with only less food and ceremony than Pesach.
 I could not miss this.
I had not understand the weight of the preceding Yom Ha Zikaron.
Precise was the timing. A very unJewish precision. The ceremony starts precisely at eight. I, a bit stunned with jet lag, get phone calls from my neighbor Michelle, most of which I do not hear, until I call and she says that her husband, Ira, is also returning from the States, will take Ben and Avital, two of their teen children, to the ceremony; Michelle is staying home with eight-year old Mayan. Their eldest, Ben, will be recognizing the ceremony with his army unit. Thoughtless as I am, I bring my laptop, figuring that I will arrive a few minutes early, work in the wireless cafe Ilan across the street, then join. 
Streets are blocked off. The main street is blocked for some distance. The Kfar Saba fire engine parked across the square. Police direct traffic; soldiers abound, many seen only in shadows. Ira phones me as I am approaching, around 745, to say that they have saved a seat for me on the side, near the stage, but obscured by a video screen. He comments that the previous mayor left much of the seats facing the stage open for the public; reserved only a few for the elite; this mayor seems to have more people demanding reserve seating, so we are relegated to the wings.  Wings are enough for me, as I  tears press my cheeks through much of the ceremony.
The cafe is dark. All cafes, restaurants are closed. It is like Yom Kippur here in Ra’anana: main street empty of traffic, filled with people; stores dark, blinkered.
And at eight, precisely at eight, all stand, air raid sirens begin simultaneously. They halt serially, as if distant echoes of each other. I sit between Ben — who has just received notice that he is being recruited for the air force, whose brother is in Nachshon — and bleary-eyed Ira. I think during this ceremony, how, when Ira arrived to Israel, on his first Yom Ha Zikaron, a boy from Ra’anana is killed — Daniel G…, a name too close to his eldest son’s. I think during the ceremony of how war reverses the natural course of mankind: instead of sons and daughters burying parents, the opposite occurs. I can’t recollect if this is Heroditus who made this observation. I don’t know if I should congratulate Ben on his news, or admonish him never to be listed in this ceremony. I want to tell Ira that Daniel should always return home safely. I think how this country is guarded by such very young and prematurely aged soldiers
.
 Just before the ceremony, I am distracted by looming, fleeting shadow giants. The facade of Yad Le Banim is illuminated brightly. There is a mezzanine roof backed by an arch leading to a domed roof. On the face of the arch, I see these Refa’m, “Giant Ghosts,” fleet by. I think that they are soldiers on the roof, scouring for danger. Later I see that the edge of the parapet is lined with candles. As each soldier’s, each terrorist victim’s name is read, someone above lights a candle of remembrance. In my youth, my parents lit too many of such Yahrzeit (Year time) candles. In my youth, these were all lit the same day of the year, as the Nazis didn’t notify my parents of the dates of their siblings and parents murders .
Here, we know.
 Each name is read and flashed on the screen, date of birth, parents’ names,some with a nickname. Most have photos; not all in the early years. The photos are so varied. Some nineteen year olds look much older; some in uniform, some in that European crouch, with one knee extended, hair swept back from a touch of a widow’s peak. The Sephardi dead are recognized not only by names, but also by these remarkable dark eyes.  Some died before they could exchange their Galut name –Jacques, Franz — for an Israeli moniker. An occasional photo was a candid, with a broad smile; most are in uniform. The women I wonder about: how did an eighteen year old girl die in the Jordan Valley? Then, there are the few men in their forties and fifties. Fifty is the age of retirement from reserve duty; how did this fifty-one year old die? Many of these names are familiar to Ira, he tells me later: that is Stuart W.’s son; this should be the mayor’s brother; later we hear from a young man about his older brother’s death in 1990, then see the boy’s face. Interspersed, for the sake of breaks, are songs, recitations, movies of former battles. The early movies are black and white; towards the end we see color and the Merkava, Israel’s own tank, built to protect its men better than the British and American armor. A scene near the Old City in ’67as men dash, then slide into a stone wall on a roof top, smashing their bodies into Jerusalem stone, before peering above the roof line to fire.
The young man, perhaps now in his late twenties, speaks of his brother’s death sixteen years ago. I struggle to understand the Hebrew of all he says. He begins with last Passover; how the questions of the youngest child, the Mah Nishtanah (How is this night different than all other nights?) begins the entire Seder story. How is this night different? You, my brother are still not here. He recalls brotherhood — the pranks done, the games played, the arguments over who will stay up latest. He says how the love by brother of brother is a different kind of love, different even than the love of father or mother for child. He is even toned; only his words are powerful. He folds his words, places them next to his heart and leaves the stage; leaves us with feelings. Another series of dead are seen; more candles flicker.
Too many candles line the roof; dimly light this too-dark night.
Even during the ceremony, we are interrupted by ambulance sirens. Ira says that this is the first ceremony during which he has heard so many sirens. Even as we remember the dead, we are reminded of more who are dying, can die. We finish with Hatikva, the Hope. I still find tears welling in my throat as I sing and listen to two thousand years we have looked towards Zion and hoped. Now we have a Land, we have achieved our hopes, but still hope (unrealistically) that no more names and photos will be added to this overlong, this ever-too-long list.
Copyright N. Szajnberg, MD 2006

Lebanon II: More War; Shooting a Bicyclist

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Kiryat Shemona

A Physicist, a Poet and a Psychoanalyst at the Edge of Jenin

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Written 8/8/06: the Lebanon Conflict

Two-wheeling the Desert

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9/4/06 Outside Qadesh Barnea

For all the 535 km. biked from Jerusalem to Eilat, for all the landscape, for all the blazing desert, which felt as if at times heat blasted from earth’s core, roasting us ventrally, for all this and more, but a few moments remain scorched into memory, and a few people, in fact, two, remain memorable.

By day three, we are cleared by the military to ride the Philadelphii road, the coarsely gravelled road parallel to the Egyptian border. We are warned. If you need to piss, face away from the Egyptians, as they may take a forward-facer as offensive and shoot in return. But, facing northwards, the pisser contends with the prevailing southerly winds.

Warning. We will climb 400 meters to Qadesh Barnea, where Abraham and Sarah paused on their route to Egypt, where Moshe paused with tens of thousands of ex-slave Jews on return from Egypt, waiting to hear from the dozen spies’ (a prince from each tribe) report on the land of Canaan from which these Jews had been absent for four hundred years. Then, we will descend slightly to begin the one kilometer ascent to Mount Harif (Mount Spicy), highest point in the Negev.

I feel my heart would burst as I snake the last few meters to Qadesh Barnea. But I also know that if I dismount, I won’t remount. I do not look upwards, but keep nose to wheel, occasionally slaloming to make the upward ascent less steep. This ascent gives new meaning to aliyah. Oddly, it is the terribly bad, unmusical tom-tomming, of the crew above that gives me impetus, if not hope, that I can arrive.

I stand on Qadesh Barnea, looking downward and north, into Israel, a landscape not so different than what Moshe saw: shaley shoulders descending to the baked, barren desert, of multiple soft, pastel hues, dead to the eye. No life. To imagine a land flowing with milk and honey takes much imagination, much hope, or at least a belief in a certain G-d.  Perhaps, it also took Moshe’s belief in this rag-tag passel of people that they could find or create such a land. No, from here, after a heart-bursting climb, I see more a land that consumes its inhabitants. I am no Moshe at this moment, certainly no Caleb nor Joshua.

We will eventually turn north, taking an indirect route to Eilat, stopping at Machtesh Ramon, shabbating a day, before we descend into the more G-d-forsaken Arava, a deeper, more desolate desert, with a string of kibbutzim necklacing north to south. A night there, a brief rebellion by the riders against the fund-raisers, with our insisting on leaving much earlier to avoid riding in the midday sun, before we descend to Eilat.
But before this detour north to the Machtesh, before the descent to the Arava, before our gentlemanly revolt, I wish to tell you of two remarkable men, David Palmach and Lt. Itzik P. whom we meet before we ascend Qadesh Barnea and the Lt. at our lunch on the military base. He calls himself Palmach, not his moniker at birth. His renaming he preforms at age eighteen to honor the Palmach, the predecessor of the Hagannah. He arrives from Morocco at age two, becomes an Israeli by eighteen. Now, he lives on Nitzanim, along with five families and a gaggle of adolescents: lone teen emigres from the former Soviet Union, Ethiopian kids who need to leave home to become Israeli.
Nitzanim, named after a delicate flower that announces early spring is the ironic name of this desolate outpost at the corner of Israel, a stone’s throw from Palestinian Gaza and a bullet away from Egypt. He is proud to announce that the brackish ground water, which they have learned to desalinate, could serve thousands of inhabitants for one hundred years: so he told a visiting Indian diplomat. Unfortunately, the next morning the water of a hundred years couldn’t flow; massive jugs are brought in for breakfast. They experiment with raising dates and assorted foods on brackish water; a futuristic, Jules-Vernish contraption that greets us before we see the settlement is part of their solar water system. Their major goal, however, is to help teens become Israelis.
He is remarkably short, this triathelte. Announces at teh start that he won’t speak of himself, but of his redoubled efforts to save youth, redoubled since his fifteen year old daughter’s death in a fall near Ben Gurion’s desert grave. He will convert mourning to action. His remaining son, I will tell you of,and the miracle that David Palmach believes his son has wrought. With G-d’s help, says this head-covered father.
His daughter was on a field trip with teens, learning the land, hiking, rock-climbing, camping. There she died. Too long to get a helicopter in to the rocky outcroppings. He has slides of her.
His son, serving in the armored corps in Gaza, is called back to learn about his sister’s death. As the only remaining child, the army won’t send him back to Gaza. But the son has his own ideas. Asks to retrain as an aviator. Graduates from helicopter training. David Palmach shows us his son’s Cobra. A few weeks back, a girl falls in the Judean Desert. The brother flies in to save her life.
This is David Palmach’s sense of redemption. Yes, he continues with slides of the teens in the programs, teh famous visitors who will come for a few hours, or a day, from Arik Sharon to some U.N. guys. But what reemains in memory is how David Palmach and his son have tried to transform their tragedy into the world’s betterment. Small betterments: some teenagers learning about solar energy, learning Hebrew, learning sports, or saving a fallen girl’s life.
We are all exhausted that night. But no one leaves David Palmach’s talk. For it is his life that speaks.
Lt. Itzik is proud that he learned his English in Brooklyn when he was ten, eleven. Looks forward to practicing; asks us to correct him. Which we don’t, as we are too entranced by what he says, by what he does, than how he says it.
We had been delayed entrance to the base from the Philadelphii Road: unclear to the command who gave us permission to ride this military trail; unclear if we had security clearance to enter. Awkward period as we stand astride our bikes in the midday sun; nowhere else within kilometers to find shade, eat. Finally granted permission, we invade
the provence of 18 to 20 year-olds. We are given leeway to use the lu, if only one can find it. A trough — filled with old toothpaste tubes, some paper, old razers — is for washing; showers with one tepid water tap and no curtains; toilets without lids and certainly no paper. A young fellow ferrets out a roll and tosses it up to me as I am enthroned. I once was taught by a meticulous woman that one can use such seatless wonders by planting each foot on the rim and
squatting over. But, I am no a squatter. Water over the head afterwards is a relief.
This is feral dog-land. Curs all over. They rule, whatever these humans may fancy. They roam in packs and a young soldieress prizes a puppy cradled in her arm. Our bike flat fixer, Charlie, blasts Bruce Springsteen from his truck cab at all stops, wears an Australian outback hat, bolo tie, Snakeskin boots, has taken to two wheels before our lunch break and thinks he can tour the base. The dogs think otherwise and several packs chase him as he pedals furiously for the gate, hoping that someone will let him out before the curs get him. The mother dog is particularly ferocious, perhaps
sensing that he, unlike the soldieress, is not a puppy cuddler. He ditches the bike and leaps head-first into the cab of his truck, into Springsteen’s arms, or blasts.
By this, day three, I and a few others become particular about our victuals. I toss much of the bread, work at the humus and vegetables, suck salt off peanuts and spit out the latter. Much water. A few fruit. Take just enough dates to eat later, before send-off. We have a few moments of lolling beneath a corrugated roof of shade before Lt. Itzik is introduced.
I am in no mood for lectures, demonstrations, education.   Just tell me the next leg, the distance, the terrain, the percent inclines (and any promising descents). I have become a two-wheeled laconic Sergeant Friday: Just the facts, mam. Want Charlie to check my chain derailers should he ever deign exit his cab, face the curs.
 But, I am entranced and grateful once Lt. Itzik starts.
We sit campfire style around him as he stands, rifle slung diagonally over shoulder. He is tall, swarthy, wears a kippah on closely-cropped hair. His heavily accented English shows little trace of Brooklyn a decade ago.
He is really from a tank brigade, called down from Gaza to help out here. Just temporary. He has pride about tank battalion, but also sense of responsibility to get matters in place here. What matters? The Egyptian border is porous. Unlike Gaza, with various warning systems and such on the fence, unlike the West Bank’s new fence, with both electronic warning systems, carefully landscaped rims of sand to reveal footprints and more, the Egyptian border has this modest, rickety, rusted chainlink. Doesn’t bother the Egyptians — the illegal trafficking of drugs and whores — as the penetrance is from there to here: no one seems to want to penetrate Egypt from Israel. They do nothing to interdict the human sex slave traffic: your problem, not ours is the unspoken Egyptian attitude. But, arms trafficking is new and more problematic. Much of the trafficking is done by Bedouins who know the land, the paths, the secrets of this
desolation. But, arms are treacherous to Israel; end up in the West Bank, Gaza.
His job description runs something like this. Given some Intelligence reports, he heads out with a small squad in the night; disappears to somewhere — perhaps on this side of the border, perhaps not, for three days and nights. At night, lie down in shallow pits, cover oneself with a camouflage sheet.
Wait.
Capture.
Return for a few hours to shower, make sure his boys clean up their living areas, clean their guns, then back into the field. He is matter-of-fact about this; no bravado, but yes a sense of responsibility and of the importance of his tasks for Israel. He brightens a bit when asked about after the army. Perhaps the requisite trip abroad — India or South America, maybe back to exotic Brooklyn. Then to college. He feels a bit too young, he says to worry about what happens beyond that.
A bit too young, but too old, he sounds. Altneuland, paraphrasing Herzl.  This fellow who lies on his belly at night, waiting for smugglers of drugs, of women, of arms, seems both youthful, yet heavy-shouldered.
And for all the wheeling I have done, it is Itzik and David Palmach whose inner landscapes remain most alive. When the twelve spies returned to Moshe, only Joshua and Caleb found hope in the land — milk, honey and such. One of the other ten spies said that next to the giant Canaanites, the Israelites look like ants, grasshoppers. But, these Israelites — these two — look like giants.
Copyright 2006, N. Szajnberg